What I learned from dying: I’m just so tired

Dave relaxes on his recent trip to Nashville.

By Dave Taylor

I’m tired. I’m really, really tired and I stay that way lately. I wasn’t worried about it until my wife started asking questions and now I’m pretty sure she thinks I’m dying.

My last CT scan showed that my chemo had stopped working and the stage 4 cancer had grown in my liver and my bones, the only places they looked.

Now I’ve been feeling super tired and achy, the latter of which should be directly attributed to the metastases in my bones. The last time I was feeling pain in several areas it turned out that the cancer had grown in those exact places.

Now with a CT scan confirming that the cancer on my bones is spreading, combined with the fact that I’m feeling so tired, i’m getting a little nervous.

If I had pain in my hip and it was then verified that my hip cancer metastasis had grown, what does it mean when I’ve been feeling worn out?

I honestly hadn’t thought a lot about it or its potential down sides until my wife started asking troublesome questions.

She started out by asking what my email logins were. She swore that she wouldn’t get in there and snoop around, but she said she might need in there in the event of getting a code emailed to her or having to confirm an email when I’m not around. No mention of me being dead.

Then later she asked about the login information for my self directed retirement accounts, “just in case” she ever needed to be in there. Again, no mention of me being dead.

Then a few minutes later she began asking questions about my funeral songs, asking me to show her the Spotify Playlist that I’d made for the occasion.

Again, no mention of me being dead but the fact that we were talking about my funeral pretty much includes that fact by default.

It’s scary seeing that your wife is that concerned about your pending death.

But I guess it’s pending for everyone. It’s like Jamie said the other day, the click is ticking for everyone, but it’s just ticking louder for me.

But I’m getting more and more ready for when that time comes. I realize it could be very soon and I’m getting more prepared for it, both emotionally and just functionally, but I still would rather it not happen any time soon.

I know God has a plan for me and my life and that he will use this whole thing for his glory, whether he heals me and gives me that testimony or if he takes me home and gives me my eternal reward. Either way I win.

I start a new round of chemotherapy on Wednesday of this week and it’s supposed to have some pretty harsh side effects so if you are reading this and are a praying person I’d appreciate any prayers you can throw my way.

dave.hancockclarion@gmail.com