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What I learned from dying: It’s time for Hospice

Jamie and Dave pose for a selfie during a recent hospital stay.

Well, it’s official. I got the “There’s nothing more we can do” talk from my cancer doctor Monday.

Talk about a major bummer.

I knew something bad was coming when, after asking me a few questions, he looked at the floor and started wringing his hands.

Then he kind of stammered and mumbled a few things I don’t remember, but he finally got the point across that he was worried that continuing chemo would actually shorten my life.

He was recommending that I stop chemo and just focus on being comfortable until the inevitable end.

Chemotherapy lowers my whole blood cell counts, which would make me susceptible to things like pneumonia and sepsis, both of which I’ve barely survived twice in recent months. And I currently have a lung infection that we have to watch closely to see if it’s spreading more because it could kill me.

Now I have till Thursday to decide whether I want to gamble with this new chemo regimen or if I want to call Hospice and hope that my last however many months are comfortable.

But I’m not really sure what that means. I know that going back to the hospital will be similar to my other stays and the pretty awful things I’ve endured there, but what does it mean to make yourself comfortable until you die?

I can’t imagine any good scenario where I’d be comfortable as I’m dying. If you’re dying, doesn’t that just come with discomfort by default?

I’m hoping it doesn’t mean being so sedated that I’m asleep the last few months so I’m effectively gone long before I really am.

In that case I’d rather be on chemo and be alert and available to those who know me and then have a big dramatic exit.

This is a tough decision. It’s awful to know that you’re deciding to die, but it’s difficult to know that you might be deciding to risk dying soon too.

I have a lot of praying to do and it’s hard to even fathom weighing my options and the good and bad for each.

But this is something that I must decide, and the end is coming, just as it is for all of us. There’s no skipping this one.

The only comfort in this is knowing that God is bigger than this situation and that he will give me the same peace he’s given me up until now.

But please pray for me and my family as we make a decision and begin the journey of whatever I decide.

Next week I’ll detail my decision and why I made it for those who are interested.
dave.hancockclarion@gmail.com

 

By Dave Taylor

11 Comments

  1. Jeff Boling on February 9, 2022 at 2:57 pm

    You have been in my heart and on my mind lately ! We are praying for you and for your peace !
    I’m not sure if you remember me but know that you were always a wonderful and genuine human being to me with a warm smile and kindness that only comes from good people. Until we meet again one day ……. God speed !

  2. Lynn Dauby on February 9, 2022 at 3:02 pm

    Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope you know you are loved by many💕

  3. Geraldine Hubbard on February 9, 2022 at 3:25 pm

    You and your family will be in our thoughts and prayers 🙏 If there is any comfort it’s knowing that you are a Child of God…God Bless

  4. Karen Calvert on February 9, 2022 at 4:43 pm

    I know with Gods help you will make the right decision. You need to talk everything over with Jamie as well. My Prayer’s will not stop for you until you go to your forever home with our Lord Jesus Christ. I know this sounds funny but I feel like I know you and Jamie so well from your posts and and Jamie’s post’s.

    Blessings, Karen Calvert.

  5. Jeff Smith on February 9, 2022 at 4:45 pm

    Praying that you’re comfortable, but alert with whichever decision you make Brother! Love you!

  6. Connie Duncan on February 9, 2022 at 7:06 pm

    Dave, I know God will lead you to make the right decision. I want you to know I pray for you, Jamie and your family every day, along with everyone else in Hancock County. Your such a witness in your faith and I admire you so much! Love you Dave Taylor!

  7. Eva Poole on February 11, 2022 at 6:46 am

    Your article spoke to me this week. My husband Paul Poole, the precious principal at North Hancock, was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer this past week. When you hear that it hits you in gut. How can this be???? Thank you for sharing your story. It has touched the emotions of many people more than you will ever know. ❤️🙏🏻❤️

  8. Kristin Barnes on February 11, 2022 at 4:47 pm

    Hey there Dave! I ran upon your story via a friends FB post and immediately felt led to email you. I was an oncology nurse the 15 of my now 18 years as a nurse. I can’t explain to you how much I miss my patients!! It’s very tough work however I learned more from caring for and listening to my patients than any book or lecture could ever teach. Unfortunately, being one my Drs “right hands” as she would say, I found that the nurses knew more about the patients likes/dislikes, faith, fears, goals, breakdown moments, breakthrough days, and I was always there to hold their hands when receiving bad news.
    I have been there along side of many patients who are facing the same decisions you are. My advice is to think about quality over quantity. If you’re a person who feels good off of treatment vs on, do you want to feel like that as long as your body allows? If you’re struggling with the what ifs and I I need toos, try the new treatment! Start it at a low dose and see how you feel. After the first cycle you will know a little more about how the side effects may effect you. And remember YOU ARE IN CHARGE! Stop when you want! But hey, you tried it.
    If you find that you’re at peace with living the best life you can until the Lord calls you home, LIVE IT! Do what you want on the days you have the energy to. Eat that greasy burger or big steak you’ve been longing to taste without mouth sores and go to the restaurant to eat it! Being neutropenic has left you trapped In this uncertain world!! Take long drives. Lay the seat back and visit the places that you loved growing up or as an adult. Save those memories. Mend any broken relationships and love those who mean the most to you fiercely and tell them that! My last recommendation is that no matter your decision, have a will or your wishes made known and clear, or at least a notarized letter stating your wishes. Make sure your loved ones are aware of 401k’s, investments, etc. share passwords to accounts so they can have access to pictures or information relevant to share. If you’re married, add her to your accounts or make sure she has legal access to funds needed for funeral expenses and other needs.
    Most importantly, my experience in seeing loved ones pass with Hospice care and hearing from my patients families, death can definitely be painless. In the end your body shuts down and you will sleep to allow all energy to go to your heart, brain and lungs.
    So sedation isn’t from medications alone, but as you know pain medication often has a sedative effect. Hospice will only give you the medications you need to be comfortable. Not only pain medications but also those to thin your secretions to breathe more easily and comfortably, nausea meds for if you feel sick. The goal is comfort! Not to push you quickly over the edge.
    Dave, there’s no right or wrong decision. The ultimate decision has already been made it seems. You’ve accepted God as your lord and savior! You can never go wrong with the lord in your heart!
    May peace be with you and yours, and may God continue to be with you every step of the way and through all your days!
    Kristin

  9. Kristin Barnes on February 11, 2022 at 4:48 pm

    Hey there Dave! I ran upon your story via a friends FB post and immediately felt led to email you. I was an oncology nurse the 15 of my now 18 years as a nurse. I can’t explain to you how much I miss my patients!! It’s very tough work however I learned more from caring for and listening to my patients than any book or lecture could ever teach. Unfortunately, being one my Drs “right hands” as she would say, I found that the nurses knew more about the patients likes/dislikes, faith, fears, goals, breakdown moments, breakthrough days, and I was always there to hold their hands when receiving bad news.
    I have been there along side of many patients who are facing the same decisions you are. My advice is to think about quality over quantity. If you’re a person who feels good off of treatment vs on, do you want to feel like that as long as your body allows? If you’re struggling with the what ifs and I I need toos, try the new treatment! Start it at a low dose and see how you feel. After the first cycle you will know a little more about how the side effects may effect you. And remember YOU ARE IN CHARGE! Stop when you want! But hey, you tried it.
    If you find that you’re at peace with living the best life you can until the Lord calls you home, LIVE IT! Do what you want on the days you have the energy to. Eat that greasy burger or big steak you’ve been longing to taste without mouth sores and go to the restaurant to eat it! Being neutropenic has left you trapped In this uncertain world!! Take long drives. Lay the seat back and visit the places that you loved growing up or as an adult. Save those memories. Mend any broken relationships and love those who mean the most to you fiercely and tell them that! My last recommendation is that no matter your decision, have a will or your wishes made known and clear, or at least a notarized letter stating your wishes. Make sure your loved ones are aware of 401k’s, investments, etc. share passwords to accounts so they can have access to pictures or information relevant to share. If you’re married, add her to your accounts or make sure she has legal access to funds needed for funeral expenses and other needs.
    Most importantly, my experience in seeing loved ones pass with Hospice care and hearing from my patients families, death can definitely be painless. In the end your body shuts down and you will sleep to allow all energy to go to your heart, brain and lungs.
    So sedation isn’t from medications alone, but as you know pain medication often has a sedative effect. Hospice will only give you the medications you need to be comfortable. Not only pain medications but also those to thin your secretions to breathe more easily and comfortably, nausea meds for if you feel sick. The goal is comfort! Not to push you quickly over the edge.
    Dave, there’s no right or wrong decision. The ultimate decision has already been made it seems. You’ve accepted God as your lord and savior! You can never go wrong with the lord in your heart!
    May peace be with you and yours, and may God continue to be with you every step of the way and through all your days!
    Kristin

  10. Derek Staples on February 15, 2022 at 8:48 pm

    Dave,
    Our paths have not crossed in years, but your family remains dear to my heart. I have prayed for you from a distance ever since I learned of your battle with cancer. I am now asking the Lord to give you a strengthening and sustaining grace to guide you and your family in the days ahead. Cling to your living hope in the resurrected Savior who died that you might live on in his presence eternally. Rest in Him. I love you.
    Derek Staples

  11. Donna Gorman on February 16, 2022 at 3:23 pm

    The strength your given to others(including me) is a true blessing. Thank you for your courage and God be with you 😘

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