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Stage 4 cancer

What I learned from dying; I’m a bad caregiver

  It’s Wednesday morning and I’m alone. I’ve been alone for more than a week now. My fiancée Jamie has been in the hospital in Indianapolis, meaning I’ve been left to take care of myself. It’s not been great. Whether she wanted it or not, Jamie had become my de facto 24/7 caregiver, meaning I…

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What I learned from dying; It is well with my soul

I had a bit of a moment the other day and it has changed my daily life ever since and I feel like it’s worth sharing here. It boils down to this: no matter what happens with my cancer, things are going to work out great. I just happened to be listening to “Even If”…

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What I learned from dying; I put a ring on it

I have big news this week. I got engaged! To paraphrase Beyonce, I liked it so I put a ring on it. Last Thursday, on the one-year anniversary of my girlfriend Jamie and I officially becoming a couple, I asked her to marry me and she replied with a resounding yes. Now the ask wasn’t…

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What I learned from dying; I might be going bald

  Soon, allegedly, the sun will feel a little hotter, breezes will be just a bit tougher to notice, and my shampoo bill will plummet. I’ve been told that on this new chemo treatment I have anywhere from a pretty good chance to a who knows how good a chance at losing my hair. I…

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What I learned from dying; Now I lose my dog?

It’s been an excruciatingly long, hard week. On the same day that I finished up a column about how doctors considered my being alive a miracle, I had an appointment with my oncologist where one of the only things I remember him saying is “what we’re doing isn’t working anymore.” That means that Keytruda, the near-miracle…

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What I learned from dying; Just a little bit more

Tuesday I was tired, like, can’t sit up straight tired. I was on the sofa leaning over, struggling to seem like I was even alert. Truth be told, I stay that tired most of the time, but this time it turned into a lesson that I thought I’d learned years ago and apparently hadn’t: a…

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What I learned from dying; everyone needs a Jamie

After a long string of seemingly only good news, I finally got some bad news this week. My white blood count was too low to do chemotherapy chemotherapy so I was sent home from the hospital to try again next week. When I first heard the news I sighed and thought, “there’s no easy or…

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What I learned from dying; How to live intentionally

I learned two lessons this week in two very different ways. First, I learned that when faced with a dire situation like stage 4 cancer, I must live very intentionally and choose each day – and each moment – to not let it overwhelm me. Second, I learned that when dry heaving into a trash…

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What I learned from dying; I’m weaker than my woman 

I learned a humiliating fact about myself a couple of days ago. I’m weaker than my girlfriend. I’ve always considered myself stronger than I looked, even now, so although I’ve lost around 90 lbs from my usual weight I felt like my core strength was still in there somewhere, even if it were hiding pretty…

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