I’ve known that for months but I just had a consult with a surgeon who was a straight shooter and his whole message was that I’m dying and very soon.
In fact, one of the first things he said was “you’re in serious trouble.”
This was the cancer specialist who was a well respected veteran doctor who we were looking to for input about the healing of my collapsed lung.
He made it very clear that there’s nothing that’s going to magically cure me and that I’m most definitely dying very soon.
He talked a lot about how I’m at the end of my life and I need to decide what I want to do with the days I have left, however many of those there might be.
I’m not sure what I think about this. He told me that if I’m ready to be done I should contact Hospice, but I’m absolutely not ready for this life to be over.
I can see in the mirror how I’m wasting away, but I feel like I should have more time left. How can I go from working out and feeling great less than a year ago to now being in my last days? Is cancer that powerful?
Lying here in this uncomfortable hospital bed, the message from the surgeon echoes in my head a little bit, but it also gives me a little bit of stress.
Is he right? Should I be preparing even more to no longer be here? Do I need to hurry up and sell some of the things I’ve been procrastinating on so my fiancee Jamie isn’t left with that hassle? I’ve made my will and other end-of-life things, but there’s a lot more to do. I still haven’t written my obituary.
I thought I had more time.
I have been blessed to have been given a several months long heads up about my impending departure. Many people die in a heartbeat or behind the wheel of a car and there’s no allowance for a goodbye. I’ve gotten that time to say goodbye and to reconnect with people in my life. I’m eternally grateful for that.
But I’m not ready to go.
I’m not ready to be a memory or a story from times past.
I still have more memories to make, more places to go, more people to hang out with. Maybe it won’t be easy to do those things, but I really feel like I have some more time to do some of that.
I just need to get out of this hospital bed so I can get home and get back to living.